*Please Note – this was a post originally made up and shared on my Facebook Author page, but I felt that it would be good to share this here as well. ❤
September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day and I want to take a moment to highlight that if I may? No, this isn’t about writing or my book, but it is about what really matters – you.
You matter, every person reading this has far greater value than they have been able to admit to themselves.
Let’s get honest up in here. Suicidal thoughts really aren’t rare. It’s not discussed a whole lot in many circles and so often we’re left thinking we’re the only ones going through those dark places. But it’s not true. I honestly don’t know if I haven’t met someone who hasn’t gone down that dangerous road of thinking. And that includes myself.
Now most people who know me, have spent time with me, are often completely floored by this proclamation. I’m a natural giggler, and I love to laugh and joke with people. It’s a big passion of mine to strengthen and encourage others. But I spent a good portion of my high school days through my mid to late twenties fighting depression.
I became very, very good at covering up the dark chaos inside with a smile for the world. And I felt guilty for it. I felt guilty that a girl with a strong family, fairly healthy upbringing, and a “bright future” would be sitting at home at night trying to figure out ways to “end it” that would cause the least amount of trauma for other people.
Honestly that was one of my biggest deterrents for never going through with it.
I was raised in a family of psychologists (both parents and then my sister got her degree later – even my brother-in-law is getting his!). And so I was pretty well versed in the effects that trauma could have on others and I knew that whoever “found me” would have to deal with the trauma of that discovery. I didn’t want to irrevocably scar someone else in my attempt to end my own pain, especially not the poor EMTs who have to deal with those sorts of things far too often.
There were also close relationships in my life of people who were those “left behind”, which I saw first hand the effects of taking your life could have.
But, even knowing these things, even growing up in a family that discussed the mental makeup of humans and how to cope, even with being a strong Christian and avid church goer, I was broken. Days I wouldn’t leave the house, allowed trash to pile up, dishes and clothes go unwashed, not have food in my pantry because I couldn’t bring myself to go grocery shopping. I would linger far too long on a kitchen knife, just wondering…
The shame I felt! Oh the absolute wretched shame of being someone who would encourage and uplift others, would council away their own dark and broken thoughts, all while knowing if they tried to say the same for me I could easily “outwit” their responses. The shame of “you’re supposed to be a light, and Jesus is supposed to be enough, and everyone tells you how perfect your life is!” but all of it falling through.
But here is the reality I missed in all that time:
1.) There is *no* such thing as the “perfect family” – having wounds from your family can happen without us even realizing and sometimes they are just misconceptions as to what they might be intending. Sometimes it can be outright abusive for others, but either way just because someone else wounds you does *not* mean you deserved it. Wounded people wound people, someone lashing out on you is almost always a reaction to the time they’ve been hurt by another (in and outside of family).
2.) Comparing pain is never right, never healthy – don’t ever let anyone belittle and devalue how you feel by “one-upping” your brokenness with their own. I was taught by some very unhealthy friendships throughout life that I didn’t have a “right” to express my heartache unless it could outlast the most tragic tale. I think there is something to recognizing that we are not called to compare our scars. When you compare your pain you invalidate someone else’s. And just because it’s different, it doesn’t make it any less real.
3.) My value didn’t end at sacrificing myself for others. My value was inherent – as is yours! – what I *did* or didn’t do isn’t what made me matter, the fact that I am myself is priceless in of itself.
4.) Feeling broken is NOT shameful and just because people near you don’t know how to listen it doesn’t mean you aren’t worth being heard. – NO ONE has it all together. Please don’t believe the lie that you have to. Please don’t internalize the lie that just because you haven’t been heard you never will be. It took me till my late twenties through my early thirties before I finally discovered people I felt safe enough to be real with.
5.) You have to *keep* choosing vulnerability – No, do NOT share with every soul all that is going on inside. Not everyone is the right person to share with. But there *are* people out there! From professional help to personal connections, but it takes you opening up and being real with what you’re facing/fighting against for that connection to happen. I am INCREDIBLY picky with whom I share my heart and I’ve had to learn to not wait for someone else to see me- I’m WORTH being seen so I will MAKE myself seen! And you are worth it too.
I’m not advocating toxicity but I am championing the ones who sit in silence waiting and praying that someone else will notice the crack in their voice, the slight puffiness of their eyes, the way they flippantly divert the conversation away from how they’re doing at any cost. People not knowing you’re shattered inside doesn’t mean they find you worthless, more often it’s because they too are fighting their own demons that they can’t pick up on the cries for help you’re making.
And in case you didn’t catch it, that is me 100% outing myself there. You guys, I can switch off my tears like nobody’s business because I didn’t want to have to try and explain how I felt just to then have someone be dismissive and tell me my pain wasn’t as bad as theirs or worse yet just flippantly change the subject/run me over in the conversation to bring the focus back to them. – A.) that’s a hecka unhealthy relationship if someone *does* do that to you and they are NOT the person you should be reaching out to. B.) It is 100% OK to NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS for a friend or family member who feels broken. Sometimes the very best thing you can do for someone is either just listen to them or simply *be* there with them. Show each other we are not alone in this.
Because you’re *not* alone in this. I’m telling you, more people fight these inner lies, attacks, destructiveness against themselves than we have been able to be honest about. And I haven’t even touched on those who fight against the chemical imbalance side of this thing.
I don’t say this to minimize your battle. I say it to show you, you don’t have to go through it alone. I say it to remind you that it *may* take a while to find those you can connect with but that YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!!
I know this is a long post already but I’d like to go into some things I used to help keep myself going, maybe they can help you too?
1.) My relationship with Jesus – now some of you may not be Christians reading this and that’s totally fine, but I can’t deny the saving grace He had on my life which kept me alive. And I want to highlight the *relationship* factor because just going to church wasn’t enough. It was the real conversations I’d have with Him, sometimes even scream at Him, that helped release the built up brokenness inside when I didn’t know who else to talk to.
2.) A creative outlet – I didn’t feel safe to be heard in my friendships and I felt bad going back over the same issues with my family again and again and so I turned to writing and drawing the darkest parts within. Often just finding a way to get what is in your head out into the air can help to stop the swirling, or at least it did for me. It gave me a breath, a reprieve to keep going. Whether it’s singing, dancing, writing, art, or being creative in any other way (cooking, doing your hair, re-organizing your space, listening to music), there is *something* that you can do to express yourself. And do it just for you, you don’t have to show it to anyone else ever if you don’t want to. Take some time to develop a passion or even a simple interest.
3.) Sunlight – No seriously, the vitamin D that comes from getting outside in the sun will literally effect the chemical well-being in you. It’s why people sometimes will sit in front of sun lamps when they can’t get the actual sunlight they need. A little time outdoors can make a world of difference. Or if you don’t have the strength to even get outside, get one of those sun lamps for depression and just sit in front of that for a bit.
4.) Pouring into others – now this may not be the case for everyone, but I found that sometimes a way to break the steady downward spiral was to sit beside someone else for a minute and help encourage them. It kept me from being trapped in my own mind for a little bit and let me focus on something/someone else.
5.) Practice being kind to yourself – You didn’t finish x, y, z? Ok, it happens. Those dishes have sat in your sink for months now? You haven’t failed as a human! You just spent hours watching online videos instead of doing anything or even getting dressed? That’s ok, sometimes you just need to turn off your brain. You only did *one* thing on your list today? Maybe even only *half* of one? HUZZAH!! Celebrate like there’s no tomorrow because you are AMAZING and were able to do something! Every step (even half-steps) is a victory!
6.) Speak life – You won’t feel it when you say it, you may feel ridiculous doing so, but stop speaking how messed up you are and start saying GOOD things about yourself OUT LOUD. If you gotta stand in front of a mirror and do it, fine. If you need to wear a rubber-band and snap that sucker every time on your wrist when you say/think negatively about yourself then do so, BUT also declare something great about who you are! EVEN IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IT! When someone compliments you say “Thank You” and don’t disagree with it in your head. You are strong, you are important, you are wanted and needed in this world. You matter, you’re amazing, and you have so much to offer. Everything inside may scream that these are lies but in reality this is how you replace the destructive words for truths of how awesome you truly are. It will take time, but that’s ok because you are worth the time and effort.
7.) Keep searching for people you can share with, and when you find them actually speak up. – This includes going to professionals whenever needed (or even directing someone else to them when you know they need help and you don’t know what to do)
8.) Take some time to understand yourself – something as simple as recognizing if you’re more introverted, extroverted, or an ambivert (my term -when you’re in between the two, which I am) can actually make a big difference in realizing what you need to help strengthen some base level areas in order to have the ability to face the heavier things. Understanding what makes you feel loved and valued can help you know when a certain relationship either isn’t a good fit or simply how to ask for what you need (which is perfectly fine to do). And by relationship I mean both friend and dating. But also, take time to know yourself outside of connection to others. Using a relationship to define yourself will only leave you empty because you’re being defined by someone else’s parameters and not by what truly makes *you* tick.
I know this is a long post, and I apologize for the wordiness. But if any of this can help even one person then it is worth it!
I’m gonna say this again: You matter, you are worth it, you are loved. I pray that someday each and every person will be able to embrace the fullness of their precious value.
Thank you guys for being who you are